A Perspective on God After Miscarriages

I remember the first time I saw a positive sign come up on a pregnancy stick. In that moment my whole mindset changed: I was a mother, and my world would now be intertwined with the life of this little one that grew inside of me. There was great joy in hearing babies heartbeat, seeing them grow into a little person, but this beautiful vision of what our family would look like melted away with the words “there is no heartbeat anymore”. I would go on to hear this 3 more times: 4 precious lives lost and with them that vision of motherhood I had built up on them living seemed to die too. With these losses came a strained relationship and understanding of God. In one moment I would be cursing Him and doubting his existence and in the next I would be begging him to comfort me, to give me a sign that my life was still meaningful, even without my children in it. How would I rid my mind and heart of the gruesome images and memories that exist from birthing deceased babies in hospitals and on my bathroom floor? How could I come to terms with holding their bodies in my hands, the bittersweet moments of seeing their sweet tiny faces, little hands and feet, lifeless on earth, knowing that I would never hear them laugh, cry, or say "mommy"? How would I work through the immense pain, anger and loss that I felt? And in my mind was a broken record- an evil voice telling me “its your fault” “its your fault” “its your fault". Grief can be so complicated and often contradictory. While I aimed to rid myself of all sadness in favor of faking happiness, I also wanted grief to become a warm blanket, to swallow me up in sorrow so that I could lash out in anger rather than face the world bravely. It was easier for me to do that than be happy. 

Now that we have completed the adoption our my son, I know more clearly that what may seem like a horrible thing at one point in time, can lead you on to the most life changing path and give you your greatest blessing at another time. If I had not gone through years of miscarriages, I would not have adopted my son because my heart needed to change. I was angry at God, didn't understand the plan He had for my life, stopped believing in Him at one point, and just felt at a loss and betrayed. I was walking pain and wanted to shut out the world. I was only looking at the short term, immediate picture for my life, and didn't like what it looked like at the time, whereas God knows my BIG lifetime picture. His vision of what is best for me is clearer than mine. Once I got to the "other side" of my trauma (and trust me, it wasn't easy), I realized how good He is, and when I face trials now I know they will lead me to a better understanding of self, and purpose. We are in the process of adopting our second child from Ukraine who has special needs....would I have pursued that 5 years ago? No way!!! But now, I can't wait to have them in our home. He loves me enough to not only give us one child through adoption, but a second one as well! He has equipped Adam and I to raise a child who is "extra special"- how wonderful is our God?

I just want to encourage any of you who are struggling with how your life seems- trust God. Our human minds can not even begin to understand how merciful He really is, always is. The hard truth (and some people may disagree with me on this, but this is the perspective that I have found the most healing in)- you having to wait to be pregnant, or have a healthy pregnancy is not God. You having to struggle and feel pain in all of this, is not God. Losing babies, sinking into depression, being swallowed up by grief, is not God- it is the evil one; it comes from the dark place, not the light of God. I prayed and begged for God to give me a healthy pregnancy but it just didn't happen at that time. God showed himself clearly to me through the adoption of our son, the best gift of my life. He knew my son was waiting for me, and He knew exactly how to work through the brokenness of infertility that the evil one tried to ravage my body and mind with. God can work in anything, and this darkness led me to Him. Does God have the power to make you pregnant with a healthy baby?...absolutely. Does God have the power to fulfill all of your desires?...absolutely. But what would giving you exactly what you want, how you want it, manage to do in shaping you into the person you can be, the path you can be on, even if it brings pain? You don't want a God who is a genie in a lamp. You want a God who knows your best interests and will hold strong to His promises, even when you feel as if you can't cope with the process at times. I have more to offer my son as a mother now, someone who has experienced brokenness and extreme hurt, than I ever could have if my life had turned out exactly the way I had wanted it to. I do not deserve the blessings He has given me, but He loves me enough to give them anyways. 

Meditate on Proverbs 3:5 ("Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding")- try your very best not to succumb to your own thoughts and understanding of what you "need". Trust that God knows better...even if it is hard.

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